WHAT IT WAS, WAS FOOTBALL
Andy Griffith 1953
It was back last October, I believe it was.
We was going to hold a tent service off at this college town, and we got there about dinnertime on Saturday. Different ones of us thought that we ought to get us a mouthful to eat before we set up the tent.
So we got off the truck and followed this little bunch of people through this small little bitty patch of woods there, and we come up on a big sign. It says, “Get Something to Eat Here.”
I went up and got me two hot dogs and a big orange drink, and before I could take a mouthful of that food, this whole raft of people come up around me and got me to where I couldn’t eat nothing, up like, and I dropped my big orange drink. I did.
Well, friends, they commenced to move, and there wasn’t so much that I could do but move with them.
Well, we commenced to go through all kinds of doors and gates and I don’t know what-all, and I looked up over one of ’em and it says, “North Gate.” We kept on a-going through there, and pretty soon we come up on a young boy and he says, “Ticket, please.”
And I says, “Friend, I don’t have a ticket; I don’t even know where it is that I’m a-going!” I did.
Well, he says, “Come out as quick as you can.”
And I says, “I’ll do ’er; I’ll turn right around the first chance I get.”
Well, we kept on a-moving through there, and pretty soon everybody got where it was that they was a-going, because they parted and I could see pretty good. I could. And what I seen was this whole raft of people a-sittin’ on these two banks and a-lookin’ at one another across this pretty little green cow pasture. Well, they was.
Somebody had took and drawed white lines all over it and drove posts in it, and I don’t know what-all, and I looked down there, and I seen five or six convicts a-running up and down and a-blowing whistles. They was. And then I looked down there, I seen these pretty girls wearin’ these little bitty short dresses and a-dancing around, and so I sit down and thought I’d see what it was that was a-going to happen. I did.
About the time I got set down good, I looked down there and I seen 30 or 40 men come a-runnin’ out of one end of a great big outhouse down there. They did. And everybody where I was a-settin’ got up and hollered! And about that time, 30 or 40 come runnin’ out of the other end of that outhouse, and the other bank-full, they got up and hollered. And I asked this fella that was a sittin’ beside of me, “Friend, what is it that they’re a-hollerin’ for?”
Well, he whopped me on the back and he says, “Buddy, have a drink!” “Well,” I says, “I believe I will have another big orange.” And I got it and set back down.
When I got there again I seen that them men had got in two little bitty bunches down there real close together, and they voted. They did. They voted and elected one man apiece, and them two men come out in the middle of that cow pasture and shook hands like they hadn’t seen one another in a long time.
Then a convict come over to where they was a-standin’, and he took out a quarter, and they commenced to odd man right there! They did. After a while I seen what it was they was odd-manning for. It was that both bunches-full of them men wanted this funny-lookin’ little punkin to play with. They did.
And I know, friends, that they couldn’t eat it because they kicked it the whole evenin’ and it never busted.
But, anyhow, what I was telling was, both bunches-full wanted that thing. One bunch got it and it made the other bunch just as mad as they could be! Friends, I seen that evenin’ the awfulest fight that I have ever seen in all my life! I did!
They would run at one another and kick one another and throw one another down and stomp on one another and grind their feet in one another and I don’t know what-all and just as fast as one of ’em would get hurt, they’d tote him off and run another one on!
Well, they done that as long as I set there, but pretty soon this boy that had said “Ticket, please,” he come up to me and he says, “Friend, you’re gonna have to leave because it is that you don’t have a ticket.”
And I says, “Well, all right.” And I got up and left.
I don’t know, friends, to this day what it was that they was a-doin’ down there, but I have studied about it. I think it was that it’s some kindly of a contest where they see which bunch-full of them men can take that punkin and run from one end of that cow pasture to the other without gettin’ knocked down or steppin’ in somethin’.
BASEBALL AND FOOTBALL
By George Carlin
Baseball is different from any other sport, very different. For instance, in most sports you score points or goals; in baseball you score runs. In most sports the ball, or object, is put in play by the offensive team; in baseball the defensive team puts the ball in play, and only the defense is allowed to touch the ball. In fact, in baseball if an offensive player touches the ball intentionally, he's out; sometimes unintentionally, he's out.
Also: in football, basketball, soccer, volleyball, and all sports played with a ball, you score with the ball and in baseball the ball prevents you from scoring.
In most sports the team is run by a coach; in baseball the team is run by a manager. And only in baseball does the manager or coach wear the same clothing the players do. If you'd ever seen John Madden in his Oakland Raiders uniform, you'd know the reason for this custom.
Now, I've mentioned football. Baseball & football are the two most popular spectator sports in this country. And as such, it seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves and our values.
I enjoy comparing baseball and football:
Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game.
Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park. The baseball park!
Football is played on a gridiron, in a stadium, sometimes called Soldier Field or War Memorial Stadium.
Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life.
Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.
In football you wear a helmet.
In baseball you wear a cap.
Football is concerned with downs - what down is it?
Baseball is concerned with ups - who's up?
In football you receive a penalty.
In baseball you make an error.
In football the specialist comes in to kick.
In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.
Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting and unnecessary roughness.
Baseball has the sacrifice.
Football is played in any kind of weather: rain, snow, sleet, hail, fog...
In baseball, if it rains, we don't go out to play.
Baseball has the seventh inning stretch.
Football has the two-minute warning.
Baseball has no time limit: we don't know when it's gonna end - might have extra innings.
Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we've got to go to sudden death.
In baseball, during the game, in the stands, there's kind of a picnic feeling; emotions may run high or low, but there's not too much unpleasantness.
In football, during the game in the stands, you can be sure that at least twenty-seven times you're capable of taking the life of a fellow human being.
And finally, the objectives of the two games are completely different:
In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line.
In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!
The first church I served after seminary was several miles outside the dinky little town of Palmetto, Georgia. I’d been there only a month or so, and one day I was sitting at my desk when I looked up and there was Jesus staring at me through the window.
He wasn’t saying anything or doing anything. Just looking at me. I tried to ignore him, but he just kept staring through the window at me.
Finally, I called up the executive director of our local Baptist Association, Arvie Thornton, and I said, “Hey, Arvie. It’s Paris Donehoo. You know, the new pastor out here at Sardis Baptist Church? Yeah, I’m just sitting here at my desk, and Jesus is staring at me through my office window.
What am I supposed to do?” There was a long pause, and then Arvie said, “Look busy.”
So it was Mike’s and Mildred’s wedding day, and they were in the limo on their way to the church when they were hit by a truck and, tragically, they died.
At the gates of heaven they were met by St. Peter who welcomed them, and asked if there was anything he could do for them.
Mike said, “Well, we were about to get married, and we love each other a lot, so is there any way we can get married here in heaven?” St. Peter replied, “Hmmm… Let me see what I can do. Why don’t the two of you sit down on that bench over there while I try to work something out.”
So Mike and Mildred sat down on the bench and waited for 1000 years.
Finally, St. Peter returned and said, “OK, we’ve got it all worked out. You can get married here in heaven.”
Mildred said, “Well, we still want to get married, but we’ve had 1000 years to think this over, so if it doesn’t work out, can we get divorced here in heaven?”
St. Peter rolled his eyes and growled, “Look, it took us 1000 years just to get a preacher up here, and we ain’t never had a lawyer!”
Doctor: I’m sorry to tell you that you are a very sick man, and you’re going to die.
Patient: That’s awful. How long do I have?
Doctor: Ten.
Patient: Ten? What does that mean? Ten months? Ten years?
Doctor: …Nine…Eight…Seven…Six…
Three pastors were on their way to an ecumenical gathering when, unfortunately, the car in which they were traveling had an accident. All three of them died.
At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, “In order to get into heaven, everyone has to correctly answer the same theological question. Because you’re all pastors, you shouldn’t have any trouble.”
He turned to the first pastor and asked, “What’s the meaning of Easter?” The pastor said, “Easter is that time of year when you decorate your house with lights, bring an evergreen tree inside and put ornaments on it, and…” St. Peter interrupted him and shouted, “No! That’s Christmas, you idiot!” and he sent him off to hell.
Then he said to the second pastor, “I’m sure you know the right answer. What’s the meaning of Easter?” The pastor said, “Easter is the time of year when you cook a big turkey, and invite family over, and you watch a lot of football…” St. Peter sputtered, “That’s Thanksgiving, you moron!” and he sent him off to hell too.
Addressing the third pastor, he said, “Please tell me you know the right answer. What’s the meaning of Easter?” The third pastor said, “Two thousand years ago Jesus was crucified, and he died, and he was buried in a rock tomb. But three days later he came out of the tomb alive!” “Yes! That’s right!” gushed St. Peter. “And then what happened?” The third pastor replied, “If he sees his shadow there will be six more weeks of winter!”
A man was seeing a psychiatrist because of his terrible fear that there were monsters living under his bed. During numerous sessions, no matter what the psychiatrist tried, the man simply could not overcome his fear of monsters living under his bed.
So the psychiatrist was surprised when the man came in for his usual appointment and said, “Well, today will be my last session with you.” “Really? How did you get rid of your fear of monsters under your bed?” The man replied, “I went to my favorite watering hole the other day, and told the bartender about my problem, and he solved it for me.” “And what advice did he give you?” asked the incredulous psychiatrist.
“It was simple,” replied the man. “He told me to saw the legs off of my bed. Problem solved!”
A woman was starting to get worried about her husband. He had been out golfing with three friends, and his return home was long overdue.
Finally, she heard him come through the garage door, golf clubs in tow, and she said, “I was really starting to get worried about you. Why did your golf game last so long?” Her husband put down his clubs and said,
“We had a terrible tragedy occur. On the seventh hole, Charlie dropped dead from a heart attack.” “That’s awful,” said his wife. No wonder it took you so long for you to get home.”
“Yeah, it was really tough. For the rest of the game it was ‘hit the ball then drag Charlie, hit the ball then drag Charlie, hit the ball…’”
There were two evil brothers who were rich and used their money to hide their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians. But the whole community knew their character.
Suddenly, one of the brothers died. The surviving brother sought out the pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a large check for the building fund. "I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint.” The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.
The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family.” He went on in this vein and the surviving brother was clearly fuming in his seat. "But," the pastor concluded, "compared to his brother over there, this man was a saint!"
