So it was Mike’s and Mildred’s wedding day, and they were in the limo on their way to the church when they were hit by a truck and, tragically, they died.
At the gates of heaven they were met by St. Peter who welcomed them, and asked if there was anything he could do for them.
Mike said, “Well, we were about to get married, and we love each other a lot, so is there any way we can get married here in heaven?” St. Peter replied, “Hmmm… Let me see what I can do. Why don’t the two of you sit down on that bench over there while I try to work something out.”
So Mike and Mildred sat down on the bench and waited for 1000 years.
Finally, St. Peter returned and said, “OK, we’ve got it all worked out. You can get married here in heaven.”
Mildred said, “Well, we still want to get married, but we’ve had 1000 years to think this over, so if it doesn’t work out, can we get divorced here in heaven?”
St. Peter rolled his eyes and growled, “Look, it took us 1000 years just to get a preacher up here, and we ain’t never had a lawyer!”
Doctor: I’m sorry to tell you that you are a very sick man, and you’re going to die.
Patient: That’s awful. How long do I have?
Doctor: Ten.
Patient: Ten? What does that mean? Ten months? Ten years?
Doctor: …Nine…Eight…Seven…Six…
Three pastors were on their way to an ecumenical gathering when, unfortunately, the car in which they were traveling had an accident. All three of them died.
At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, “In order to get into heaven, everyone has to correctly answer the same theological question. Because you’re all pastors, you shouldn’t have any trouble.”
He turned to the first pastor and asked, “What’s the meaning of Easter?” The pastor said, “Easter is that time of year when you decorate your house with lights, bring an evergreen tree inside and put ornaments on it, and…” St. Peter interrupted him and shouted, “No! That’s Christmas, you idiot!” and he sent him off to hell.
Then he said to the second pastor, “I’m sure you know the right answer. What’s the meaning of Easter?” The pastor said, “Easter is the time of year when you cook a big turkey, and invite family over, and you watch a lot of football…” St. Peter sputtered, “That’s Thanksgiving, you moron!” and he sent him off to hell too.
Addressing the third pastor, he said, “Please tell me you know the right answer. What’s the meaning of Easter?” The third pastor said, “Two thousand years ago Jesus was crucified, and he died, and he was buried in a rock tomb. But three days later he came out of the tomb alive!” “Yes! That’s right!” gushed St. Peter. “And then what happened?” The third pastor replied, “If he sees his shadow there will be six more weeks of winter!”
A man was seeing a psychiatrist because of his terrible fear that there were monsters living under his bed. During numerous sessions, no matter what the psychiatrist tried, the man simply could not overcome his fear of monsters living under his bed.
So the psychiatrist was surprised when the man came in for his usual appointment and said, “Well, today will be my last session with you.” “Really? How did you get rid of your fear of monsters under your bed?” The man replied, “I went to my favorite watering hole the other day, and told the bartender about my problem, and he solved it for me.” “And what advice did he give you?” asked the incredulous psychiatrist.
“It was simple,” replied the man. “He told me to saw the legs off of my bed. Problem solved!”
A woman was starting to get worried about her husband. He had been out golfing with three friends, and his return home was long overdue.
Finally, she heard him come through the garage door, golf clubs in tow, and she said, “I was really starting to get worried about you. Why did your golf game last so long?” Her husband put down his clubs and said,
“We had a terrible tragedy occur. On the seventh hole, Charlie dropped dead from a heart attack.” “That’s awful,” said his wife. No wonder it took you so long for you to get home.”
“Yeah, it was really tough. For the rest of the game it was ‘hit the ball then drag Charlie, hit the ball then drag Charlie, hit the ball…’”
